Desire & Success

I'm not one to share my emotions or allow others to become privy to the inner sanctums of my thoughts. I believe in the idea professionalism must keep a polite distance from personal details.

This is why I treat Que The Lights as an intersection between my aspirations for the future and the work I'm doing to further this cause. Still, ambition must have a personal appeal. There has to be a reason more distinguishable beyond success for success' sake.

So let me share this with you.
 
This past year has been a giant culmination of accomplishments I'm still somewhat perturbed have happened. Everyone has their valleys. No one is immune to drawbacks. Still, I've been able to finish a majority of projects in a short period of time and I've found myself in a position few African-American men can attest to.

I'm one year away from my undergraduate with a major and three minors. I've become fully immersed within a powerful passion. I've had the privilege of traveling outside the U.S as an intern. I've built a website with quality content and a respectable following. My work as a photographer and filmmaker has been recognized on a local and international level. I've been featured as an outstanding student on the main web-page of my University. I've been able to become a part of a highly selective international fraternity of like-minded men and I can even say I have clientele along with two equally favorable jobs.

Essentially, it's been a lot. I've worked hard since freshmen year, and I will always stand by the fact where I am today is God's doing along with my willingness to strive for achievement.

Still, I'd be lying to say other reasons are not involved. One of those being the faded opinion of a woman.

Let me explain further. In a few days the year mark of when I met this person will come and pass. This should be an insignificant piece of my story as an individual until I examine its impact.

It is a weathered belief the endeavor of men can be traced back to a desire to impress women. To prove he is the caliber of man worthy of her admiration. I am a man. I am no less susceptible to this whim.

I remember the day I met her and the day I lost her favor. I remember the day it became apparent the individual I was did not have whatever elements composed a man of her magnitude. I would never be someone fortunate enough to win her favor.

Most would count their losses. They would move forward. Unfortunately, I am far more stubborn. If I was not the man that could win her favor, then I could build myself into the individual capable of being her match.

After I met her, I became a part of the educational department I'm working within to finish my main degree. After I met her, I began the project which evolved into the entity your reading now. After I met her, I found myself surrounded by a cast of colleagues and professors who have allowed me to grow as a creative individual bent on absorbing more every day. After her, many of the accomplishments which have come to mark a new chapter of my persona occurred. After her, everything happened.

Slowly, the desire of educational and hierarchical elevation due to a woman's nonchalant dismissal of me faded as one of the main reasons I strove in recent events. This left me with the over-arching reasons I held far before meeting her.

The need to succeed. The need to repel the negative aspects associated with the African American male. The need to have substance in my life through the path I chose.

This women was never the main reason for my desire to achieve. That was an inherent characteristic of my person. She just seemed to be a catalyst. A reactionary piece of my life which blurred my main reasons, but propelled my world into a mode of intense progress. A drug which sped up my desire to achieve. For a moment, I had forgotten the deeper reason for my pull towards advancement.

She's moved on, no doubt still considering my caliber of person beneath her. She did leave me with a consolation prize more valuable than her approval, the thirst for success.

Slowly, I've realized the girth of my accomplishments hold no valuable meaning for her. I could have been ten-fold more successful, and I would still be of little consequence to her eyes.

It hurt me then. It drove me once. It reminds me now. It reminds me meaningful success cannot be based on desires stemming from outside forces. All men need motivation.I just never knew the need for a woman's attention could be such a powerful force in a man's quest to achieve.

And in a few days, it will mark a year.